on my swim goals

somewhere around the time we moved last year, when the winter was at its darkest and coldest, just before i discovered that i was harboring twins inside me, i stopped going to swim. so after a year hiatus from my illustrious swimming career, i dove back into the pool yesterday for the first time.

not gonna lie: it kicked my ass. i have aerobic endurance. what i don't have is one ounce of strength in my arms. but today i dragged myself back to the pool and signed myself up for the torture again.

i am so happy to be back in the pool (minus the heinous sunburn. note to self: don't forget sunscreen). today i took a step toward accountability and commitment for the next eight months of swimming; i spoke out loud to one of my coaches a personal goal. in telling her what i want to accomplish, i now have someone to help me in my journey.

so sometime between now and february 21, 2012, i will swim in a swim meet.

this might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but i have never been a good swimmer. i swam because it was fun, because my family did it and because it was good for me. for the first time i am choosing to participate in a swim competition to prove to myself that i can. i have also set a time goal for one of the events and i am excited to work toward that goal.

i have high hopes for my health and weight goals. i am proud that a year after slinking away from the pool, i have returned unashamedly and declared that i will accomplish something.

on determination

i have had determination since i was a little girl. my mom loves to tell the story of how when i was four or five years old, the dentist told me that i had to stop sucking my thumb. i went home, had one last moment with my thumb, and then quit thumb-sucking cold turkey. she thinks that determination is in me. she believes that i can do anything once i have decided to do it.

i think my mom is right. i don't want to like to be held back. i know that i can do anything i set my mind to.

then why is weight loss so damn difficult for me? why is that i constantly make choices to sabotage myself? how come i can do anything but convince myself that i want to lose weight?

i know that i am not happy the way i am. i accept that this is how i am right now which is a result of all the choices i have made, but i do not accept that this is who i am. the person who i am acting as right now has no discipline, no vision and no determination.

but this is not the person i have to be. i know who i am; i know that deep within me is hiding the true erin, the determined one, the girl who only occasionally shows herself now. that erin is not afraid of who she is, is not afraid of what people think. that erin, who knew herself better at five than she does at 29, is ready to face her challenges. that erin is done waiting.

today she is here.