Back to work

To my Grace and Ana,

Next week you will be four months old and our lives are going to change a little. Three times a week I am going to leave for awhile and go to a place we call "work." Before you were born I thought that I would want to go back to work immediately. I didn't think that staying home with you was going to make me so happy. I didn't know that I would find such joy in the daily tasks of being a mom to twin girls. Perhaps I was afraid of you. Maybe I just didn't know what to expect. But now I know and I wish it could be different. If I could be with you every moment of every day, I would.

We are lucky. Because I work for your grandpa I don't have to be gone so much. I will always be able to adjust my plans if you need me. I will be able to spend four days a week with you, and on the other days you will stay with your grandma and the other good people we found for you.

There have been many things in my life that I thought were hard. But I know the hardest thing so far is going to be driving away from you on Tuesday morning. I will be thinking of your smiles and wishing that I was holding you. My heart will be breaking as I think of all the moments that I will miss.

I know that it will get easier eventually. I know that I do good work and that my contributions to our family are important so that you girls will have a good life. But if I could do it all over again, I would get a smaller house, pass up on all the unnecessary purchases and have done everything I could so that I could afford to stay home with you longer. In four short months you have transformed me from wanting to be a "working mom" to just "mom."

I promise to treasure the moments that I am with you. I promise to do good work--valuable work--so that our time apart will not be in vain.

Love,
your mama

Odds and ends

I have a new layout, so for those in reader, come check it out, at least to see the beautiful pictures of my daughters! The "design" is nothing fancy, mostly because no one designed it. I just changed the template and such. No need to get all complicated until I become a big famous blogger. Or get 10 comments on a post... whichever comes first.

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I go back to work in one week. ONE WEEK. I have all sorts of feelings. Read all about them tomorrow.

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This is how my girls sleep: all bundled up in their sleep sack/swaddler/straight jackets. Those were THE BEST GIFT we received and anyone who wants to swaddle their kid to sleep needs one. Even as five pound preemies, my girls could get out of a receiving blanket. These Halo sacks are amazing. The girls also always sleep touching one another. No matter how we lay them down, one of them always scoots over to the other. It is adorable. I love sneaking in to see who has done the shifting. Usually it is Grace.

Now a question for my mommy readers: I still don't know what to do with the kid who doesn't want to be swaddled. Ana has figured out how to get out of the swaddle part of this getup. The problem is that once her arms are free she wakes herself up. We have tried letting her sleep without it; she can't fall asleep. I just don't know how to make this transition. Help! Someone?!

Birthday

Well, I've begun the last year of my twenties. In 364 days I will turn the big 3-0. When I was much younger I had all sorts of ideas of what I wanted to accomplish by 30. I wanted to have a career, own a house and have a family. So I guess I can say I have been successful, with a whole year to spare.

The thing is, I don't feel that grown up. I still feel like I am figuring it all out. It's like I am playing a big game in this house where the babies are really dolls and the checks I write are actually just slips of paper I tore out of a magazine. I know intellectually that this is it, this is real life. But I am still wondering when I actually grew up? Or maybe the grown up part is that I realize that despite reaching such milestones, the growing is ongoing? I have a new set of goals for the last year of my twenties, and I have a whole new list of goals for the next decade of my life.

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In addition to the retrospection of this birthday, I also have a new appreciation of what a birthday means. Now that I have my own daughters, I understand a maternal urge to celebrate. I want nothing more than to celebrate their little lives every moment of the day. I resist the urge to post every picture I take of them to Facebook. I value life so differently than I did just four months ago. When I woke up this morning I didn't really think about myself; I thought about my mom and how she must have felt 29 years ago when she gave birth to her first child. I thought about my own kids and how I will feel each November 2nd when I reminisce about their birth, about their presence in my life. This morning I thought of myself as merely a bridge between three generations.

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I like birthdays that pass without a lot of fanfare. I took the girls to meet Brandon for lunch. We shared dinner with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Brandon picked me up some tulips and I played on my new phone. My mom called the earliest this morning, shortly after I woke up. My brother called last, just before bed. On Thursday night, Brandon and I will leave the girls with my sister and we will go to dinner by ourselves. There were plenty of Facebook birthday wishes and text messages. And at the end of this day I feel loved. I feel appreciated. I feel ready to take on 29.

In which I try not to steal things

Bumbos and Boppys, swings and slings: there are hundreds of gadgets and devices to figure out when you become a new parent. But the one that is going to get me into some trouble is none other than the stroller.

Oh, I could write pages upon pages about the difficulty of picking a stroller for twins, but I will leave that for another day. Today we talk about how I fear that using a stroller will lead to my arrest for shoplifting. Watch out Lindsay Lohan: I am about to make local news for accidentally stealing clearance baby items from Target or Kohl's.

It takes both hands to push a stroller the size of an elephant. So on the few occasions that I have escaped for retail therapy with my girls, I have struggled with how to hold my merchandise. I have tried holding hangers in my fingers or hung on the handle. I have draped clothing over my arms. I carefully balanced a shoe box on the cupholder, praying that it wouldn't fall off and hit my baby in the face.

Last week I almost walked out of Macy's with unpaid merchandise because I remembered it was there.

So please, if you see me on the local news, someone come bail me and my stroller out of jail. I will be the one staring at my double stroller, wondering how to break it down.

hardest part of having twins (so far...)

In the months leading up to the birth of my twins, I heard tales of the difficulties of twins. I heard about families hiring night-nannies and grandparents spending days and nights helping out. My mom was ready to all but move in with me. The thought of all those diaper changes, feedings, crying sessions and sleepless nights overwhelmed me. I have to admit I was really terrified of life with twins.

And then my girls arrived and life with two babies just worked itself out. There were certainly nights where I didn't think I could get out of bed again and moments when I just wanted to feel normal-- but all new mothers have to adjust to their life. Now here we are, 15 weeks into my life as a MoM (mother of multiples) and I think I have adjusted well. I can manage the multiple feedings and extra diaper changes. I have mastered holding both kids at once.

But the the hardest part of having twins (so far!) is that I feel that I cannot give them both the time and parenting they deserve. When one baby is crying or fussy, the "good" baby is "punished" by being left to entertain herself. Somedays I feel like I am missing out on important moments of interaction with my child who is quiet, just because her sister demands me. It doesn't matter that they flip flop in these roles; I always feel like I am failing one when serving the other.

I know that all parents with more than one kid are pulled in several directions, but I think it is a little different with twins. They are the same age and at similar stages of development. I haven't had the chance to learn from the first born. Often I feel like I am missing out on them growing up, because I am so busy bouncing back and forth between them. Sometimes, at the end of the night, I am sad because I don't feel like I did enough with my girls that day. The thing about two, is I don't get a lot of one-on-one time.

But the moments I do get with each are blessed. And for those I am grateful.

A few answers

My awesome friend Kim posted a blog the other day about having three kids, which got me thinking about some statements and questions that I get a lot recently thanks to having twins:

1. You got it all done in one shot! Why do people assume that I only want two kids? Sometimes I don't even know what to say, because I am so taken aback by people's assumption that having twins means that I won't have more kids.


2. When are you having the next one? Apparently those people who don't think that two is enough find it appropriate to ask this when I will be having my next kid. Seriously, I got asked this by more than one person before my girls were even discharged from the NICU.


3. How many more do you want? A dozen. At least.


4. Do twins run in your family? They do now.

The thing is I have an answer to all of these. It's just that I find it strange that people are so quick to throw these questions at women who are still learning to identify themselves as mothers. I think I have an answer to these questions, but I reserve the right to change my mind.

I am the oldest of three children. My sister and brother and I are each 2.5 years apart. I loved having both a brother and a sister. I loved the age difference between us. It was close enough that we could be friends growing up, but far enough apart for us to establish our own identities. The only problem with three kids is that I often felt that one of us was left out. If we did "girl" things or "older kid" activities then my brother was left out. As the oldest I often felt left out as my brother and sister bonded over similar interests and were at home together after I left for school. Because of this I always wanted a family of four kids, anywhere from 18 months to three years apart. It seemed even.

Having twins has really made me reconsider what will happen next. I am sure we will want to have at least one more kid. But the timeline will definitely have to be reconsidered. 18 months? HA! I am not sure about that now. So when? Who knows. And how many more? I don't know. It depends on if I get twins again. There are twins in my paternal grandfather's family. The question is: was having twins a chance occurrence, or am I genetically predisposed to having twins? If I get twins again, I am done for sure. But if I were to get pregnant with a singleton, I would have to do some serious reconsidering. What if we tried for baby #4 and I got twins, bringing the count to FIVE?! See my dilemma?

Right now I am happy to be a mother to twin girls. But there is something special about having siblings of different ages. There are teaching and learning moments that only siblings can do for one another. There are the kinds of memories that only siblings can create. I don't know what the future holds for our family, but I hope there will be more kids in it.

PINK

Brandon got me Pink for Valentine's Day.

Oh, you thought I meant something from Victoria's Secret? Or the color of my roses? Oh no, my friends:

My husband is convinced that I am a closet Pink fan. Apparently I like to rock out to her music. Now if you asked me if I liked Pink I would tell you "hell no." I have to think really hard to come up with a song that she sings. But upon reflection, it's true: if you play me a Pink song, I am going to sing along and shake my butt. So maybe that makes me a fan. I think it is adorable that he noticed that I like her music, since apparently I didn't even know I liked it. I have a feeling it is going to get a lot of play time in my car. Basically Brandon, good gift.

Don't worry, my romantic of a husband also got me a Kindle and a bottle of my favorite champagne. But the gift he was most proud of was the Pink CD.

In case you are wondering, I was romantic, too. I got him 2010 World Series Champions gear. He loved the San Francisco Giants before he loved me. So trust me, this counts as romantic.

Now for the mushy stuff.

To my husband: we have celebrated ten Valentine's Days together. Although I treasure each of those ten days, it is the 364 days between February 14ths that have been the most significant. Those are the days when we listened to music, watched movies, spent endless hours driving to each other's houses, writing letters and making life plans. In between Valentine's Days we fell in love, traveled the world, got married and started our family. Today may be a day for love, but I love you each and every day. Happy day, Meshugga.