Salt in the wound

My mom worked when I was growing up. And it was fine. I don’t remember her ever missing anything important or not having time for me and my two younger siblings. She was (and is) a great mom. As time passed she was able to work part time and that gave her the freedom to do more things with us as we grew up, especially with my younger brother and sister.

Sometime in my early teens I realized that my mom never had time to go on field trips with my classes. But since she worked less when my siblings were in school, she was able to go with them. The snotty teenager I was made sure she knew I knew that she did things with them that she couldn’t do with me.

But this post isn’t about parenting. It is about pointing out weaknesses.

Yesterday I got an email documenting pretty much every mistake I have made in the last three months of coaching. There was nothing shocking or eye opening. They were all things I knew. Some were things I had addressed, some were things I let slide. They aren’t the sort of mistakes that make me a terrible coach. Just the kind that I would do differently if given another chance. But reading it hurt. We know things about ourselves and our choices that we wish we could change and sometimes we suppress those things in hopes that they will be forgotten or ignored.

And I thought of my mom. I feel bad 10 years later that I gave her a hard time for not going on field trips because she knew she couldn’t and there was nothing she could do about it.

*****

By the way, the pregnancy hormones have finally hit me. I am emotional and people who I used to tolerate are going to be lucky if they are alive in the next 6 months.

On our third anniversary...

July 7, 2007

Today Brandon and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary. But sometimes I think it is silly to remember only the last three years when really Brandon has shaped the last ten. He met me before I was confident enough to believe someone would want to date me. He knew me before I had decided who I wanted to be. Brandon loved me from the beginning and has made my life better because of it.

Before Brandon met me he had other loves: the San Francisco Giants, The Simpsons, music, movies and pugs. These things are sacred to him. These are the things that I cannot question or challenge. If I had been a Dodger fan, this whole relationship would never have started. I have pushed the envelope on some of these... he has even (reluctantly) agreed that our first dog could be a lab. He allows me to watch "crappy" movies and listen to "bad" music. But I knew he loved me (or at least liked me a lot) very early when he lent me his Gin Blossoms CD-- music that til this day still gives me butterflies as I think about the first weeks of our relationship. A man who loves his music doesn't part with CDs that easily. If Brandon knew then how good I was at losing CDs, I am pretty sure he would never have lent them to me in the first place.

Brandon put up with me leaving the country when I decided to live in Spain for 10 months. I returned the favor (with much less grace) when he moved to Colorado to pursue his career. I am independent, strong and opinionated. He has never asked me to be anything different.

In the last three years we have started jobs, lost jobs, endured financial struggle and personal struggle. We have argued a little, laughed a lot. Since we got married we have watched the entire series of LOST, The West Wing, The Gilmore Girls, Sports Night, Firefly and half of The Simpsons. Now we are tackling The Office. Last December we bought a house in a suburban neighborhood where we could raise a family. In May we found out that our family would double by this December.

On our first anniversary I locked us out of the house on a night when it was still 95 degrees at 10pm. He gave me a journal for us to write about our lives together. On our second anniversary we walked the streets of San Francisco and he gave me a camera lens so I could document our lives in photos. This year for our third anniversary he gave me a leather bound book of children's stories, so that in this next year of our marriage, we could introduce to our babies the tales of magic and mystery that we have both loved since our own childhood.

Happy Anniversary Meshugga! I love you.

Anniversary, the coast and a little more about babies

Next Wednesday Brandon and I will celebrate our third anniversary. We spent the last two years in San Francisco on our anniversary, but this year our situation is a little different and a little better, so we are spending TWO whole nights at an old inn on the coast! I will have plenty of pictures and stories to share next week.

I am tired and I need this trip. Since the beginning of April I have been working two jobs. I leave my regular job at 4:30 and drive 40 minutes to the pool where I coach from 5:30-9:00 pm. Around 9:40 I drag myself into the living room, try to stay awake while we watch one episode of The Office, and then put myself to bed before starting all over again. Saturdays are claimed by swim meets and it seems that every weekend has also been full of weddings, showers and parties. And I have been doing all this while in the first trimester of pregnancy. As I said, I am tired and I need this trip!

So tomorrow morning at 8am, Brandon and I will get in the car and drive several hours to the coast near Bodega Bay where the high will be 70 degrees. We are going to the local Independence Day celebration and to watch fireworks. On Sunday we will probably go hiking, but mostly I plan on staring at the ocean and enjoying a few days that are entirely ours... no work, no commitments. Although we love every celebration of love and life that we have been to this year, this weekend will be about us.

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Just when I thought that I had given enough details about my pregnancy, Kim got all demanding "I appreciate the baby details, and now I need more, please. These are the questions you will be hounded with, so let us practice here, together." Here you go, friend!

1. Will you find out the genders? If so, when? And will you tell the world?
Before we knew we were having twins, we did not want to know the gender of our baby. We wanted it to be a surprise. But I don't think we had even left the office before Brandon said we could learn the gender with twins. I am super grateful to him for this... because I am a planner and not knowing the gender of TWO kids was going to kill me. We will find out on July 20 and yes, Kim, we shall tell the world!

2. Have you thought about names? If so, which ones?
We have thought about names and we have 1 boy name and 2 girls names. The first and middle names almost all honor someone we know or are named after a particular person. Although we will tell the world the genders, we ARE keeping the names a secret ;) Who knows, maybe we are naming a baby after you?

3. Where are you delivering?
I will deliver at Kaiser Roseville. Hopefully. Please don't let me go into labor in an obscure location.

4. How are you feeling?
I feel great. I did not have any nausea in the first trimester, just extreme exhaustion which was only made worse by the extra work (see above!). I get a headache almost every afternoon but it is pretty mild. At this point, the worst feeling is that I don't fit into my clothes. And for a girl who has dealt with weight issues for more than 10 years, that is indeed stressful. Thank goodness the cotton dress is in style... it is a lifesaver!!

Holiday in Spain

I miss Spain.

The other morning I rushed out of Starbucks with my coffee in hand and I had sudden urge to be sitting in a plaza enjoying my café con leche. The Spanish don’t rush their coffee. “To go” cups are practically unheard of. Friends and family sit around small tables in plazas and leisurely enjoy their coffee. I miss the slower pace. I miss taking the time to enjoy my coffee. I miss the company of my friends as we chatted. And oh boy, do I miss the delicious pastries.

I made amazing friends in Spain, especially one Spanish family with five siblings. They welcomed me into their family. Every time I visit them I feel like I am home. We laugh and enjoy each other’s company alternately in English and in Spanish. I even made a point to visit these friends while I was on my honeymoon. There is something beautiful about having friends that live half way around the globe. But I miss them. Madrid is hardly a weekend trip and with babies on the way, I am sure it will be years before I can visit again.

Spain made it out of the second round of the World Cup and I couldn’t be more excited. The Spanish are fiery, passionate people and their love of soccer is amazing. I can only imagine how crazy it must be in that country right now! A por ellos! Viva Espana!

Some days I just want to be there—walking on old, stone streets, listening to the beautiful language and enjoying the tastes of Spanish tapas and wine. Today is one of those days.

****

I realize I didn’t give many details in the last blog post... so to update you: I am 16 weeks pregnant with twins. I am due December 16 but twins don’t like the timeline of singleton babies, so we expect them any time after mid-November.

When I first found out I was having twins I started reading. Unfortunately most of my reading was full of horror stories about bed rest, preterm labor and NICU. I spent weeks panicking about how I could possibly care for two babies, wondering how we could afford day care and just in general shock about double everything. Since then I have found more positive reading on the realities of being a twin mother. Although I know it is going to be difficult, I know that with the support of family and friends that we will survive.

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Now that my coaching job is winding down, I plan to blog more. My husband loves when I write, which I think is funny because I tell him everything anyway. So even if it is just for Brandon, I will be back more often. I promise.

Hi, you might remember me.

I had a lovely idea that after buying our house in suburbia and having stable jobs that Brandon and I would have a baby, get a dog and see how life went from there.

And then the doctor told me I was having twins.

My idyllic dream suddenly changed a little and I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to imagine what life will be like with two babies. Let me tell you, the dog is going to have to wait a few more years.

******

So I haven’t written a blog in weeks (err... months?) because all I can think about is “I am having two babies.” And writing about that on a daily basis is not very riveting blog material.

But I have continued reading blogs daily and creating imaginary friendships with people who may not even realize I exist. I love reading blogs. After checking my email I turn immediately to my blogs to read about my friends and my “friends.”

These writers let me into their lives on a daily basis. They share their struggles, their joys, their dealings with parenting, job loss and death. The bloggers I read are from all over the country and teach me about how life is different beyond the great state of California. I’ve learned about photography, shopping, travel, kids and cooking. I know more about some of these people’s children than I know about my own cousins. I feel so connected.

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On Saturday my grandfather turned 90. He is a beautiful man with a wonderful heart. People love him because he is gentle, thoughtful and kind. When we were little he took us to fast food restaurants that my parents never let us visit. He built me a child size table and benches which is safely stored at my parents until it finds a place in the room of my children. He has been a carpenter, an upholsterer, a bartender, a father, a friend. I am so grateful for my papa and I wish him many more years!

I'm a regular

For the last 7 weeks I have been working two jobs-- I work my regular full time job until 4:30, and then I head to the pool for 3.5 hours of coaching. While I am definitely worn thin, both of my jobs are rewarding and I enjoy what I do. But by the time I get to Friday I am done. I don't want to work anymore and that includes cooking, cleaning or anything at all.

So I convinced Brandon a few weeks ago to find a Mexican restaurant that was still serving dinner when I got home at 9:30. It was such a pleasant way to end the week that we have gone back every Friday since then.

Three weeks later, we are regulars.

I have always wanted to be a regular. Like Lorelai and Rory in the Gilmore Girls. Or the kids from Bayside when they went to the Max. Or how about the 90210 crew at the Peach Pit? When you walk in they know your face, your drink and your order. They don't know my name and we don't engage in small talk, but there is something nice about being recognized. I feel appreciated. I feel like I am somehow part of their Friday night.

So Brandon says we have to go back now. Every Friday night. Because we are regulars. And that is what regulars do.

NO RUNNING ON THE POOL DECK!

Why the heck don't we just let kids run on the pool deck?

You can't go to a pool without hearing a parent or lifeguard yelling "No running on the pool deck!" So the kid slows down to an Olympic-paced speed walk and still gets around the pool in record time. As a swim coach and certified lifeguard I have found myself saying it day after day.

Last week I started wondering why we care. We let kids run on basketball courts and sidewalks and streets. I am fairly certain that concrete is dangerous to elbows, knees and faces regardless if it is near water or not.

Case in point. This week while I was coaching there was a kid playing on the basketball court near the pool. He bit it and came running in with a bloody face. No one was out there yelling "No running on the basketball court!" It would be absurd if we said no running on the blacktop.

Now before you get all preachy about the extra dangers of water and drowning, I understand and I don't think we should let kids be unsafe. But I just think it is a little crazy that for some reason our society has deemed it unsafe to run around a pool but fine to run in other places. I don't plan on changing the no running rule at my pool and endangering the lives of 145 young swimmers.

But I can tell you one thing. When practice is over, I am going to start running sprints around the pool.