Friday, April 29, 2011


I have been reading about 365 photo projects for over a year now. I wish I had been sensible enough to start one centering on my girls or at the beginning of the year or on a significant date like my birthday or something... but it didn't happen. So I am starting on May 1, inspired by Capture Your 365. I am pretty sure that I will not be successful at doing this on a daily basis, but I really want to try. I am also hoping that it will encourage me to learn how to, ummm, use my camera. I could easily do this using my iPhone and the Instagram app, but I want to try and use my actual camera instead.


I am rejoining swim team starting on Monday. I used to go all the time and I loved it. During pregnancy I found it difficult to get myself out of bed to make 5:30am workouts. This time around I will probably only make it 2-3 times a week. But I hope to combine that with 2-3 runs a week plus some walking to make sure I get some sort of workout each day. I am super excited to get back into the pool. Swimming is very mentally challenging for me because there is so much monotony and time to think. I often like distractions (ahem, twitter, facebook, google reader...) but I am looking forward to this time to quiet myself and focus on my body and my inner being.


I am not ashamed to say that there are several hours of royal wedding nonsense on my DVR. I am not obsessed with all the hype, but I do think it is an exciting and historical event. Prince William is the same age as I am and like many girls my age I grew up knowing that it would be someone my age who he married. Now I never had any false hopes that he was going to marry a commoner from some little country like America, but of course my adolescent self still wondered what it would be like to marry the real life prince of England. I haven't watched any footage yet and likely it will be days before I get a chance to sit down and watch it. But I did look at 3 or 4 pictures of Kate Middleton in her dress. All I have to say is that she looked absolutely stunning.


Last night I met with Kim and Janelle. I have known Kim for a long time from our grad program, but I "met" Janelle through her blog, which Kim introduced me to. IF YOU ARE NOT READING THEIR BLOGS, YOU ARE MISSING OUT. Just sayin.
Happy Friday y'all.

love you forever

My parents had a copy of "Love You Forever" that they kept in their bedroom. It wasn't a book that they ever read to us. I remember pulling it out of their armoire and reading it to myself, and then putting back the only kids' book they had in their room. It was cute book, I thought, but I wasn't sure why it wasn't in one of our rooms like the rest of the kid books. My mom told me recently that that book made her cry. I wondered if that was why she never read it to us.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a few Robert Munsch books, including "Love You Forever." I read the other books to my girls the afternoon they arrived in the mail, saving "Love You Forever" until bedtime.

I couldn't get through the book.

After the first few pages I stopped for the first time to wipe away tears. I made it through a couple more pages before stopping again. Finally I quit reading the book entirely because I was uncontrollably sobbing.

Let's be honest. Part of the book is kind of creepy... I mean, the mom sneaks into her grown son's home and rocks him while he is sleeping. I am not even sure that is physically possible. But the premise is absolutely beautiful: that from her son's birth, she wanted to hold him in her arms and tell him how much she loved him.

I so get it now.

I go into my girls' room several times every night after we put them to bed, just to look at them. Some nights, like tonight, my heart aches to hold them. And even though I risk waking them up, even though I know I am supposed to leave them be, my arms reach out to them and I hold them to my chest and I think to myself, "I'll love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

on determination

i have had determination since i was a little girl. my mom loves to tell the story of how when i was four or five years old, the dentist told me that i had to stop sucking my thumb. i went home, had one last moment with my thumb, and then quit thumb-sucking cold turkey. she thinks that determination is in me. she believes that i can do anything once i have decided to do it.

i think my mom is right. i don't want to like to be held back. i know that i can do anything i set my mind to.

then why is weight loss so damn difficult for me? why is that i constantly make choices to sabotage myself? how come i can do anything but convince myself that i want to lose weight?

i know that i am not happy the way i am. i accept that this is how i am right now which is a result of all the choices i have made, but i do not accept that this is who i am. the person who i am acting as right now has no discipline, no vision and no determination.

but this is not the person i have to be. i know who i am; i know that deep within me is hiding the true erin, the determined one, the girl who only occasionally shows herself now. that erin is not afraid of who she is, is not afraid of what people think. that erin, who knew herself better at five than she does at 29, is ready to face her challenges. that erin is done waiting.

today she is here.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Warning: Adorable pictures in my week in pictures

grab a beer button

Everyone come to Kim's linky party! Show us your week in pictures!

We have lots of little traditions with my mom's family. At Christmas we make tamales and at Easter we decorate eggs. I know, everyone colors eggs. But in our family we bust out a tin can full of crayons older than me, and we decorate ALL the eggs. Every egg has to be written on, drawn on or colored on. I LOVE this tradition and can't wait for my girls to be old enough! Here is a little collage of Easter photos:

THEY FIT IN A BASKET! Ugh, they are just so stinkin cute:

Another gorgeous spring sunset in California:

Ever since the job change I have been using my laptop at whatever desk wasn't being occupied by someone else. Well this week I finally got my own space. Why yes, it is being used a storage closet! And you know what? IT IS FINE WITH ME! I am hooked up to a printer and the desk is no one else's but mine. Maybe someday we will get around to cleaning up in there:

Grace says, "Happy Easter!"

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

how amazon is screwing with me, subtitled: don't judge a book by its cover

Apparently I need to learn to read.
Or Amazon needs to stop selling arbitrary products.

Follow along:

This is one of our favorite books to read at bedtime. I purchased a copy of this book to send to my friend Ana in Spain to read to her son and daughter (on the way!)

Then I ordered this book because every book by Robert Munsch is awesome. I used to love this book when I was kid. So I ordered this one to read to my girls.

Now for some perspective.
I Have to Go is a normal sized, 8"x8" book. Time for Bed is 24"x24". THAT IS TWO FEET OF BOOK. WHO THE HELL NEEDS A BOOK THAT IS THAT BIG? Needless to say, I did not send this book to Spain.

Again, I Have to Go is our normal sized book. Thomas' Snowsuit is 2x2. INCHES. Is this a pocket book? Is this for mice to read? Really? Who wants a book that small? I need a microscope to see the pictures.

In summary, read the description on your Amazon purchases. And don't judge a book by its cover. Because the cover might be really big. Or in some cases, really small.

Also, if you are a teacher in need of a very large book, I am happy to donate this copy of Time for Bed to you. I'll be keeping Thomas' Snowsuit in my back pocket for when I need some quiet time.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

worst week in pictures ever

Kim thinks her week in pictures is unexciting? HA! Wait 'til you have seen mine...

OH MY this kid is adorable. I love the little hat. And she is obsessed with that Eeyore rattle.

My friend had her baby! This is Grace next to him. She looks like a Giant next to him. She is currently 7 inches longer and about six pounds heavier than he is. It is nearly impossible to believe that my daughters weighed THREE pounds less than him when they were born.

We took a family photo to send as a "birthday text" to a friend of ours.

Oh, so far you think these pictures were interesting? Here is where it goes south.

I found this feather. Obviously this bird is a San Francisco Giants fan.

"... in bed"

(please tell me you do that too? or else I just sound like a creeper)

We have reached a new low. Yes, that is my lint.
But before you get all outraged by my picture choice, let me defend myself. This was after I washed the first load of new clothes for the girls... they are moving into six month sizes! Pink lint is much prettier than normal, gray lint, don't you think?

Sign of the times: Netflix gets its own mailbox at the post office.

I leave you with this cute picture so you forget how unexciting my week was and that I actually showed you a picture of lint and a feather.

Happy week my friends!
grab a beer button

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

the sacramento kings

i was almost finished writing a post about babies when they started playing a sacramento kings retrospective after the game tonight; the game which is likely the kings' last game here in sacramento.

i haven't followed the kings too much in the last two years. coaches and players changed at about the same time that i changed jobs and made other life changes. i never caught up with all the changes so i just stopped paying attention. i've been saying for a few months that it probably didn't matter to me if they left.

i changed my mind.

i remember the excitement of seeing my favorite players in person when i went to a kings game. i remember what it was like to be screaming at arco arena while the kings were in the playoffs. i remember how much our city cared when chris webber wanted to leave. i remember how much sacramento was excited when the kings were hot. i remember that it is fun to have an nba team here.

i'm not going to talk about the politics of it all. i don't even know the half of it. but i do know that i will miss the kings and i hope by some miracle that they don't leave.

but grant napear? let's get him a long term contract in anaheim. stat.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

i googled it

i feel like my google searches tell a bit about me and what is going on in my life. so here are my google searches from the last week.

do avocados grow on trees?
-yes. and i love avocados.

mini martini glasses
-working on something for my sister-in-law's cocktail themed bridal party!

percentage of women who breastfeed
-i was looking for information for yesterday's post. the answers really vary based on how long women nurse for. the responses were actually higher than i expected.

percentage of women who have a cesarean section
- also for yesterday. about 30% of american women have a c-section. many of them are elective.

percentage of women who have an epidural
-about 70% of american women have an epidural. when i was born they were rare.

placer county property tax
-let's just say i am grateful for a man who came into the mail center talking about how property taxes were due. and i am also grateful that my county has online bill pay for property taxes. *phew*

greater than sign
- < and > will always confuse me. I still have to think about which number "eats" the other number like they taught us in third grade. don't judge. and why the heck is it so popular right now to use the greater than sign in text, twitter and facebook? i > you. did i get that right?

sod eisley nursery
-i was pricing sod for brandon's backyard improvement project...

how date for easter is determined
- i knew the general answer, but someone asked me so i wanted to make sure i had the specifics correct. easter is always the first sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox. so easy to remember, right?

what did you google this week?

Monday, April 11, 2011

how my body fails me

the human body is capable of so many things. with any amount of preparation and training we can get our bodies to run marathons, swim across lakes, hike to mountain tops, lose immense amounts of weight, become body builders. through the right types of diet and exercise we can take our bodies from the edge of illness to new life.

and a woman's body is even more miraculous, as it has the power to grow life, give life and nurture life.

there are a lot of people who will tell me that what i am about to write about shouldn't matter: i have two beautiful, perfect, healthy little girls. i know and appreciate that. but during the last five months i have come to reflect on the failings of my womanly body.

i miscarried.
i only carried my girls to 33 weeks.
i couldn't deliver my girls vaginally because they were both breech.
i can't exclusively nurse my girls because my body doesn't produce enough milk.

i feel like my body has failed me.

several years ago a friend recommended that i read "taking charge of your fertility." at the time i wasn't trying to get pregnant; she told me that it was just a good way to read the natural signs of your body. to be honest, i didn't buy into any of that crap. but slowly i began to feel more "in tune" with my body and to recognize the rhythms and changes of the female body. suddenly i felt like i was in control; nature wasn't just controlling my body. i understood myself.

after a miscarriage i tried to believe that i was not the problem. the doctors say that miscarriage is usually due to chromosonal abnormalities of the fetus. but i couldn't help but wonder what i did wrong.

several years later i found out i was having twins. i knew that twins were likely to come early, but i was determined to be one of the ones who made it all the way. and i was determined that i would try vaginal delivery, even if only baby a was in the right position.

at 33 weeks and four days my water broke. i was out of control and i felt i had failed my girls by not carrying them to term.

both girls were breech and i had to have a cesaraen section. i couldn't have my natural, vaginal delivery.

and now, five months in, i cannot keep up with the milk they need. just months ago i hated nursing and was ready to quit. but now i love it and i want to continue and i can't help but feel like my body has failed me again. people are shocked that i made it this far and use that as a platitude. but i want to do more, i want to go longer.

just a few short years ago, and to some extent just months ago, i didn't know what i wanted my body to do. i didn't realize what it can or should be able to do. but there are moments now when i see it as a failure for the things it couldn't do.

this is not my pity party. i am not asking for compliments on how far i've come. what i want is to climb mountains, run marathons and see if i can bring my body back from failure to new life. i can live better. if i don't fail my body, maybe it won't fail me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not too late to grab a beer!

grab a beer button

I know it is late. Like almost tomorrow. I am a busy girl! I started this post on Saturday morning and the clock is about to reach Monday... But I love having a reason to show you my pictures, so here we go... there are a lot this week!

Oh my God this baby girl is beautiful and she loves pulling blankets and stuffed animals on her face. Adorable.

Brandon entertains the girls by wearing a newspaper on his head and singing songs from "The Little Mermaid." I am not sure how those things are connected.

I hate Babies R Us. I also love it. It reminds me a little of Wal-Mart for baby stuff. But they have stuff I need so I keep going back. This is Brandon pushing our double stroller. Double stroller= freak show.

New job. New product. Apparently this is a cool car. Apparently I need to learn about Dodge.

We had gorgeous weather this week! It was a little cool on some days, but the sky was so blue and the clouds looked fake. No officer, I was not using my phone while driving.

My Spanish friends Ana and Cristina sent a package for my girls. There was adorable clothing, stuffed animals and a cd of current popular Spanish music for mama. I love my Spanish sisters... thus why one of my daughters is named for them.

Mama and her girls in their outfits from Spain.

With their animals from Spain.

Grace spit out her pacifier and it landed there. I feel like this is the beginning of a drinking game.

Grace is a seriously funny kid. Every night at bathtime she stares at the warning label. I know it's because she likes the contrast of the lettering, but I like to think she is practicing her reading skills.

After bathtime Grace gets snuggly in her bunny towel.

Ana's turn!

Molly is visiting again. That object in the foreground is her ball. I think. She has lost a lot of balls near the water behind our house. She came out with this one yesterday in a place I know she lost one LAST YEAR. This ball definitely looks like it has been lost a year. And now she won't part with the disgusting thing!

Molly poses in front of the pretty flowers.

We had dinner at Buca di Beppo in the Pope's Room for Brandon's grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary.

And the best part of the week... Brandon started and finished a backyard project: we have lawn! YAY! I am so excited not to have a dirt patch anymore. It looks beautiful. Thank you babe!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

job changes

I have a new job.

Kind of.

It's the same job but at a new store.

And all the people who knew anything about anything don't work there anymore. So I am raiding computers and reading emails and calling companies to try and convince them that every contact that have at our store is no longer a valid contact and that they need to talk to me. If they don't talk to me they won't get paid so it's best to just believe me.

Or something like that.

Bottom line, it is really stressful. I have basically been asked to do the same job for a different store/brand and it is not as simple as it seems. And I feel like there is an expectation that everything needs to be done likerightnow and really, it is just not going to happen.

So basically I am stressed out.

But there is one upside.

I have these two little angels to come home to:

Sunday, April 3, 2011

the twitter machine

Are you watching "Mr. Sunshine" on ABC? It is a pretty good show-- I love Allison Janey in everything from "The West Wing" to "10 Things I Hate About You" and she is hilarious in this show. Last week she talked about "the twitter machine" and Brandon and I have been calling it that ever since then.

Well folks, I, too, got the twitter machine.


coffee, mimosas or beer, OH MY!

It is time my friends for another installment of  Grab a beer and look what I did last week! You can link up over at Kim's blog!

grab a beer button

Well I had a bit of a job change this week... I now work for Toyota AND Dodge. Most of my work will be the same, but for two stores. The difficulty is that I know NOTHING about the Dodge/Chrysler/Jeep brand... so there's that.

Ana got excited for opening day by watching the Giants in their last spring training game. Also, this is why we can't have the TV on while feeding the girls anymore: they watch TV.

OMG my daughters are adorable. If you don't agree, read a different blog.

Grace spent much of the week experimenting with the various faces she could make.

As I said...

Here is one without a silly face. Brandon and I both have long eyelashes. Looks like Grace got them too!

I spent Saturday morning at the salon. Mama needed a haircut.

Oh, and a color, too. Don't I look fabulous in my foil wrap?

It doesn't matter how we put the girls in the crib. They always end up touching each other. I am afraid this means we will have to separate them soon, because if one wakes up, she wakes up the other.

Ana's teeth.

Following weeks of rain, we had the most gorgeous weather this week! Brandon and I went walking on our favorite trail. We will head out to walk again as soon as I finish this blog...

Sunday morning means I am making breakfast! After several failed attempts at french toast, it was DELICIOUS this morning!

Have a great week my friends!