on determination

i have had determination since i was a little girl. my mom loves to tell the story of how when i was four or five years old, the dentist told me that i had to stop sucking my thumb. i went home, had one last moment with my thumb, and then quit thumb-sucking cold turkey. she thinks that determination is in me. she believes that i can do anything once i have decided to do it.

i think my mom is right. i don't want to like to be held back. i know that i can do anything i set my mind to.

then why is weight loss so damn difficult for me? why is that i constantly make choices to sabotage myself? how come i can do anything but convince myself that i want to lose weight?

i know that i am not happy the way i am. i accept that this is how i am right now which is a result of all the choices i have made, but i do not accept that this is who i am. the person who i am acting as right now has no discipline, no vision and no determination.

but this is not the person i have to be. i know who i am; i know that deep within me is hiding the true erin, the determined one, the girl who only occasionally shows herself now. that erin is not afraid of who she is, is not afraid of what people think. that erin, who knew herself better at five than she does at 29, is ready to face her challenges. that erin is done waiting.

today she is here.