Feeling reflective, retrospective

The dust is settling in my life. After the holidays, moving, and the new year, suddenly the cloud of excitement, planning and activity has disappeared. I know things are "back to normal" because I have had time to work out, make dinners and spend time with my husband. In this moment of clarity I see a year ahead of me and I am both sad and excited for the opportunity that lies ahead.

12 months ago my life was different. 12 months ago I worked at all-girls Catholic school and I was making plans to revamp my curriculum and teach different courses. I was three months away from my Masters in Education and was wondering if someday I might want to go into administration. I was looking for houses in Sacramento and my husband and I were planning on having a baby. I enjoyed time with my friends and my students. I coached swimming, led retreats. I loved my life. Last January I had 2009 all planned out.

My friend reminded me the other night that January 26th was the day we learned our school was closing. I can't get that date out of my mind now. Everything that came after that date didn't fit the plan. There was no teaching, no house in Sacramento, no baby. Instead I started a new career and moved to a different county. I love the life I am living now, but it is hard to imagine how it all got so far away from the life I envisioned only 365 days ago.

I am sad because all the wonderful things I thought would come to be did not. I am sad because the relationships I had will never be the same. I am sad because those were GOOD plans.

When I look at 2010 I don't really have a plan. Despite my nature for control and planning, this excites me. My year is wide open. With the exception of SIX already scheduled weddings for family and dear friends, my calendar and my hopes are wide open. My husband and I have a life that is waiting to be revealed to us.


This is a poem I read in high school. For some reason I thought of it while writing this.


Call Me by My True Names

Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.

Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate, and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving.

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my
hands, and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my
people, dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.

-Thich Nhat Hanh


Totals Wednesday, January 13
*Another good day
Total Calories: 1500ish (its hard to count unsliced bread!)
Exercise: 60 minute swim
Weight loss: 10 pounds
Water: good
Food:
Banana
Lean Cuisine Beef Chow Fun
Sourdough bread
3/4 cup white rice
1 egg
1 serving chicken breast
Yoplait FatFree Yogurt
Broccoli
Carrots
Cauliflower
Cucumber
Grapes
Low fat vegetable dip